G-d, I’m Angry

I’m just so angry!

…But I do not hate Thee

 

He promised to take care of me

He vowed to hold my hand

Where is He when I need him

In the moments I can’t stand

 

I am doing everything I ought to

I’ve tried to be the best damned Jew

 

I bust myself in the morning

When everyone else is still snoring

I push late into the night

I bare my soul in times of plight

 

Is it unfair to expect a reply?

Do You want me not to try?

 

I am suffering down here!

I’m bedridden with paralyzed fear

 

I’m in so much pain, have so much hurt

I’m asking for some peace, not even mirth

 

For all of Your Scripture I heed

And Your history of help and speed

In hysterics, I’ll beg and I’ll plead

But I see no hint of being freed

 

Am I not worthy?

Don’t You want me?

Am I just dirty?

Do I disgust Thee?

 

I spread Your Holy Word

I express feats of Your Glory

I try to help Your herd

Then why is my path thorny?

 

I’d be a downright fool

To deny the existence of You

But I was a promised a 2-way relationship

I gotta say, G-d, I’m hating this

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Futile

“Let go and let G-d”…

But high hell has gnawed

And my vision’s been clawed

Firm conviction rendered thawed

Range of ailments set broad

 

12 steps to heal the sickly

It’ll take more just to fix me

My resolve is nothing but flimsy

I need help and needs be swiftly

 

“Surrender…Accept”

I don’t have energy left

Not anything kept

To forge me adept

Nor a night slept

 

My bed is my refuge, my pillow my safe

I prefer bed-sores to the rat-race

The only pursuit worthy of chase

Is utter escape from this place

 

Movies used to be a pleasure

Now they service beings lesser

An escape from the depresser

…When I’m numbed I feel better

 

If I am enough then why aren’t I?

If I’m doing my best, why can’t I try?

I’m tired of forcing a life of lies

I don’t even want the prize…

 

Hurt people hurt people

I’m hurting but I’m not evil

I want to make it to the steeple

I push but I am feeble.

 

 

 

 

 


Life Goals

Coming from the perspective as the overachiever that I am, I have myriad goals that I have conceived over the last couple years. The reason I say “last couple years” is because they have been relatively more introspective and personal growth-oriented in comparison to the preceding years. Although these numerous aspirations were noble and respectable in their own rights, most of them were impractical, far-fetched, and nonrealistic as per my capabilities and inclined position of life, much to my dismay. The epiphany of the reality and practicality of the fantastic aspirations that I previously conjured up, and the present realistic ones, came about through my gradual process of introspection, self-work, and personal growth. I guess those actions in themselves are goals that which have progress, yet perpetually in progress. Thus, I will only be discussing the present (and therefore more realistically considered) goals that I (would like to) see myself working towards.

As expressed in Torah thought and psychotherapy across the spectrum, any goal that is person-based (that is, focused on behavior, thought process, and/or character traits) is never truly finished and always needs upkeep to maintain the new given ideal or change.

One such goal that I have is to use my time more productively. I find myself becoming preoccupied and distracted with fleeting materials that grip me for too long a time. I don’t expect to become a workaholic and completely invest myself in whatever responsibility is at hand; that is simply not my nature and I do not expect nor suspect I will change that. However, I feel that it is within reason and my capabilities to limit my avenues of procrastination and distraction as well as reduce the time spent on materials that cause such. The barriers that I face in this instance are mainly, my access to too many opportunities to lose myself in and my intense laziness that (ironically) fights me every step of the way.

But I push forward.

I traded in my smartphone for a basic one last year and by the end of the week I will have forsaken my Android tablet. If not for the myriad options for access that lead me to distraction, then the fact that these materials were always at hand (and in my hand) and constantly dragged my attention away from being productive. My will to do more and better were not enough. I needed to actually and physically remove the things that removed me.

I consider myself a lazy overachiever; I have so many hobbies that I don’t do. I keep telling myself that if I just commit to this one program or course of action, then I will break my lazy behavior and lethargic tendencies. I have committed myself to learning and engaging in more activities and resolutions than I can count. I have even purchased all the materials that I needed to learn and participate in these “commitments”. I am now paying a second year’s rent on a violin that has been collecting dust for just as long as I have been paying for it. I desperately dream to draw out the inner beauty from the instrument, but my obsession and reliance for watching movies robs me of my available time.

Another similar goal was to wake up in the morning at a productive hour, and not just because my attendance is required by my school and to appear by eight o’ clock. I spent three weeks building the perfect workout regimen in that which I would engage upon waking up. It was so extreme and empowering that there was no way I’d be able to just roll over and go back to sleep. It was too exciting to ignore. I was to get up an extra hour earlier for this workout, and this way I was guaranteed to be up on time for school. Then, I shortened the workout to a more “reasonable” criterion; it was 6:30 in the morning after all. This lasted three days. I slept in on the fourth.

I’ve gone through many such idealistic morning rituals to guarantee that I be up and running at a decent time, but experience and guidance has shown me that change cannot be ensured by external forces or theoretical commitments. By understanding that it boils down to a significant and developed choice as well as an acknowledged and absorbed sense of responsibility, I was able to increase my morning attendance. As my teacher frequently reminds all of his students, if I had to wake up for a job at that hour, there is no doubt that I would. I didn’t see my attendance as a significant responsibility; it was only a matter of perspective.

It was through this process that I began to see that I can have a hobby and designate time to hone a skill, but those in themselves are not going to change my behaviors; they were not going to guarantee increased productivity across the spectrum that is my life. My resolve to be and do better and more has to come from within myself; not without.


Personalized Plea

As I feel the pulse of poetry

I know He speaks, “Hello, it’s me”

The words I weave are a blessed tongue

The songs I sing are not unsung

The chants I rant are not anew

I raise old praise for be it true

To ignite my soul, through dust I sift

Eloquent speech is a divine gift

The flames of passion are lost yet sought

Be it for me to arrange my thoughts

Beg of return, I crawl to Thee

Replete with burns, fallen to knees

I plead with tears, “Grace me cleansed”

I can’t withstand exact judgement

What elevations shall You see me attain,

For You to have me as Your son again?

Of betrayal, Evil has wrought my heart with

He has seen that I don’t try my hardest

Drained of screams, eyes run dry

I lie face down, hands thrown high

What can I reply? Only bemoan

Bring me near, Love, allow me home

Hold me tight, safe in your arms

Lifted high and close, bright like stars

 

May it be G-d’s will that we be granted life, and one of happiness, peace, growth and closeness with our Father in Heaven.


Mother

This is a reminder to celebrate

The support of our success

Our biggest cheerleader

And the sorter of our mess

 

None of us are neat

We’re all kind of slobs

But when it comes to raising us

You did a damn good job

 

You’ve taught us to be strong

To fight through our tears

To hold on to hope

And commit to persevere

 

We’ve watched you face trouble

With faith and purpose

We learned from you how to cope

And stay loyal to our service

 

You’ve always pushed us to grow

Threw us out of the nest

You begged us to fly

And to always try our best

 

A constant in our chaos,

You’ve been our steady rock

You taught us to stay grounded

But not to obey the clock

 

You showed us the way of kindness;

How to extend warm acceptance

To treat all people with respect

We will never forget this

 

Your arms are our security

Your lullabies put us to sleep

You’ve done your best to protect us

A devoted shepherd to her sheep

 

You’re efforts are duly noted

With devotion, you have cared

You’ve always held our hands

We knew you’d always be there

 

You’re the kiss on our faces;

The soothing when we’re sore

Thank you for being everything we need you to be,

That and so much more


Be Strong

Why must we mope? We are stronger than that. Our will to live can supersede our desire for comfort. It just takes a little consideration and contemplation. We have reserves of strength beyond what we can fathom, let’s not waste them. Every struggle we encounter strengthens our resolve. Life is giving us a workout with the biggest and best results possible. Everyone knows how to lift a weight. Everyone contains the ability to lift their own. They just need to find their strength.


A Glow in the Dark

Depression literature and personal accounts of depression are not fun reads but they are inspiring to those suffering with such. It tells us we are not alone. It tells us that although we are at rock bottom, there is still a rock at the bottom to hold on to. It tells us that other people have been there too and that climbing out is possible. Misery loves company and stories of triumph give us hope.

We think there’s no hope. But there is hope to be had; oh, there is hope to be had.

That is why we love to read stories of overcoming challenges, especially of those challenges that we ourselves behold. They give us hope, maybe even an aspiration, for sanity. They tell us victory is attainable. They are the ladder in our hole begging us to climb up for a better us. They are the flashlight in our dark corners, allowing us to reevaluate ourselves. They are our mothers cradling us in their safe arms, telling us it’s all going to be okay.